Interview With a Butthole

Wouldn’t it be funny if Kim Jong-un kidnapped Seth Rogen and held him hostage in North Korea, forcing him to make movies for the Supreme Leader? There is some historic precedent for this. In 1978, Kim Jong-un’s father, Kim Jong-Il, a movie buff, kidnapped Choi Eun Hee, a popular South Korean actress, and brought her […]


Fear of Black Men

The year 2042 can’t get here fast enough. That’s the year when demographers predict white people will be the statistical minority in the U.S. Finally, black folks will have to find someone else to blame besides whitey. Only joking. I’m not worried about being a statistical minority because I’ve never felt part of a majority. […]


Bullwhipped in America

If the United States had never traded in African slaves, would we now have the troubles in Ferguson, Missouri? Probably not. The shooting by a police officer of a young man he believed was assaulting him and trying to steal his weapon would not have been judged on skin color. Slavery has been practiced at […]


A Poor, Sad Guy’s Lament

Somewhere in Clatskanie, Ore., is an aging child of Aquarius who thinks he’s gotten even. Finally, he can legally blow marijuana smoke in the face of anyone. Or so he thinks. Poor Bill Uhlig is headed for a letdown. Ten years ago, Uhlig was cited in Clatsop County, Ore., on a marijuana charge. He says […]


Rutting Season Never Ends

Before the University of Oregon blows a half million dollars to fight “sexual violence,” it might want to figure out what exactly sexual violence is. It’s unfortunate that the school has already embraced as fact a belief that 20 students per week are the victims of “unwanted sexual contact” or “sexual assault” or “sexual violence.” […]


Cylvia Gets Her Wings Clipped

A young Jackie Kennedy, shortly before moving into the White House, said she did not want to be called First Lady. “It sounds like a saddle horse,” she said. By now, Oregon’s First Lady Cylvia Hayes must feel like she’s been rode hard and put up wet. She brought it on herself, but she had […]


The Virtuous Terrorist

It was a fine autumn day to sentence a man for attempting to detonate a weapon of mass destruction. A day as agreeable as that day in 2001 when terrorists brought down the Twin Towers. Mohamed O. Mohamud’s ambitions were smaller. He wanted to blow up the Christmas-tree lighting ceremony in downtown Portland, Ore. Two […]


Hanging on to the N-word

Twenty-five years after Spike Lee burned down Sal’s Famous Pizzeria, his people are still trying to do the right thing. Some of them don’t have a clue. Take LaRue Bell, a black senior at Cajon High School in San Bernardino, Calif. Earlier this month he said that when he arrived in math class, he asked […]


The Luxury of Some Americans

A few times in my life I’ve had to kill a black widow spider. Normally I have a live-and-let-live attitude with spiders. They’re interesting creatures. But the bite of a black widow can cause illness and, occasionally, even death. Killing a black widow is nothing to celebrate. Kill it, clean it up, and make sure […]


NPR’s Racial Profiling

A friend of mine, who is a life-long Democrat, likes to joke that the reason left-wing talk radio has never caught on is that they don’t need it – they’ve got NPR. That’s not so funny given the extended coverage out of Ferguson, Mo. NPR’s reporting of a police officer – a WHITE police officer […]